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| I'm sitting here. Alone. it's late. The house is quiet. Most everyone else doing what I should be doing. Sleeping. But here I sit. Like a rickety old woman, wading in my bitterness.
Wanting to run away.
Realizing I don't trust like I thought I did.
Glad that probably no one reads this anymore.
Feeling selfish.
Unready.
Shallow.
And sick of being taken care of.
Feeling like I owe something....
A lot of things.
Feeling life's unfairness.
Mad.
Sad.
Wanting to shut down-
Shut off.
Alone never looked so good.
And yet I sit and laud the benefits of community
Time in
and Time out.
Facade...and Honesty
til they are both blurred
intertwined into one thought.
This comes from repeating
over and over again
what you once believed
and yet now
it seems so....
painful?
unwanted?
Contradictory emotions-
Never my favorite.
I don't want to answer the phone tomorrow.
But I am too weak...
Perhaps too strong,
to let the moment pass.
I don't trust like I thought I did.
And I don't know why.
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| I'm sitting here, in [unfamiliar territory], unshowered, unpresentable, in the quiet. Only noises are birds singing away, doing what they were created to do....sing to the King. What am i doing? I feel...and why were those two words the most poignant thing I chose to write next? See, I had no intended point to this post. Just a sort of linguistic catharsis....to see what comes out. I haven't been still for very long recently, haven't read....just business and laziness. Because you can be busy and lazy too. I do it all the time. And I try and try to change this dreadful thing called procrastination, this thing that is ruining my life. Literally. I have turned my attention fully to my love story and thinking of plans to come. Yeah. Important. But I keep neglecting things...I have less a heart for school...and no heart for work. I spend lots of my days loathing and waiting for that one day a week...Saturday. and if anything goes wrong....I completely blow up. There's a man outside my window. He's doing something to the fence. I wonder how he is able to not be at work today on such a lovely day. it's warm and oh so sunny. And yet here I sit, alone, unshowered, in the dark Things have changed so much. I have changed it seems. Or maybe I have unchanged. Reverted. I see so much in me that I an disgusted with, So much impatience, laziness, clumsiness, selfishness....and maybe it does all boil down to the latter. Why do people change? For the worse I mean. Maybe I stopped trying. I was to a point where I was pretty self sufficient....at least in my mind....but now I feel so helpless...so needy....so childish. Maybe it's not that I've changed. maybe this is who i am. Selfish. Impatient. Needy. I was changed I think. But now I am un changed. So I guess that means I have to change again.
And so then it matters not what happened to me so I came to be this way, for it was in me all along. I just forgot what enabled me to be something better.
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| I am going to be at the NYC Battlecry next weekend. If anyone is going to be there, let me know! :)
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This past weekend was really good. I had my date night with my boy. We had a quick dinner and went to a movie. After that we planned an on the fly trip to Syracause, NY to visit our old youth pastors and mentors. They are some of the most amazing people ever. Pastor Jeff is now a Senior pastor of a church, has a wife, works a job and has 6 kids (4 of his own and 2 foster kids). I'm telling you...Jeff and Amy are an amazing team. They are so in love with with life. They love their congregation and their family, they are happy and serving God. It's great to see them. They are such encouraging people. Jer and I got to talk to PJ a lot. We got a lot of wisdom from him about a bunch of different things. He prayed for us as well....
They are people who hold such a special place in both of our hearts.
Tuesday will be our one month anniversary. The more I spend time with Jeremy, the more I realize how much I like being with him. It doesn't matter what we're doing. I was able to see a different side of him that I haven't seen and it was good. The whole trip was so good. It's the little things. Driving in the car listening to music, playing with the kids, getting pumpkin slime flung all over us, giving me tips about hydroplaning (which we had a little episode of) and driving in winter weather, holding his hand...it's just fun. It's good. I am enjoying this time of friendship and romance and earnest conversations. It's so refreshing to have someone who is on the same page as me in all of the important areas. It's just good right now.
We just started a small group at my church for college age people that we are going to co lead. I am very excited about that too.
Praise God.
Twenty years of waiting, so to speak, and trying to live a godly life, making the right choices even when it was so hard...listening to Him is best. I know that I am in this place right no w only by the grace of God!
 
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